


no joy, only almonds

by janonny



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Almond Joy, Comedy, Crack, Fluff and Crack, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Sacrifice, except it's all in a crack way, features greatly in this story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-26 21:38:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20937137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janonny/pseuds/janonny
Summary: Unthinkingly, Steve had told Tony he liked Almond Joy on their very first date, except...he really didn’t. And now, he didn’t know how to tell Tony the truth, not after he spent so long forcing himself to eat all the candy bars that Tony kept giving him.-When Tony smiled at him, when those smiling lines flashed in Steve’s direction, every bit of disgusting almond scraping over his palate and grinding down his throat felt worth it.For Tony’s sake, for their relationship, he could do it. He would keep eating Almond Joys.





	no joy, only almonds

**Author's Note:**

  * For [willidothefandango (nagth)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nagth/gifts).

> Written for the Put on The Suit Discord server’s hurt/comfort bingo square ‘self-sacrifice’. Except this is crack so the hurt/comfort is...uh, relative.

It happened on his first date with Tony. 

Steve and Tony had taken a very long time to get to this point, much longer than necessary as Nat liked to point out. Their introduction had been rocky and filled with friction. Even after they set aside preconceptions and tentatively became friends, their friendship was like a cautious dance, where the music unexpectedly changed all the time and the moves involved going one step forward, two steps back. 

Regardless, it wasn’t long before Steve fell for Tony and began a year-long pining campaign, which was extremely obvious according to all their teammates. This would be more embarrassing if he hadn’t eventually found out that his feelings were returned and that Tony had also been making unsubtle cow eyes at him all this while, according to all their teammates again. Steve had never really noticed. He had spent too much time trying not to stare at Tony, while obsessively drawing him and thinking constantly about his overabundance of almost offensive charm, the way his hair curled at his nape and those deep soulful eyes. 

Alright, maybe the deep soulful gaze Steve had admired so much was part of the cow eyes Nat and Sam kept talking about. Steve hadn’t realized that Tony only looked at him like that, not until one day, Tony had suddenly blurted out that Steve should go out with him and then promptly looked like he was going to dive out the window. Steve had turned a few different shades of red and stuttered out a quick agreement before Tony could change his mind.

Hence, the date.

Hence, the beginning of all his problems.

Maybe if Steve had just been honest, it wouldn’t have become an issue. But he had wanted so badly for the date to go well, wanted everything to go smoothly, without a hitch, so that there would be a second date, a third, any number of following dates. 

So in the middle of a dark movie theatre, Steve had screwed up completely when Tony had turned to him and said, “I figured your supersoldier metabolism will need snacks to last through a two and a half hour movie. Do you want something to eat other than popcorn? Maybe an Almond Joy?” 

He had sounded nervous and was even rambling as he held out said candy bar, so of course, Steve could only say, “Sure thing, I love Almond Joy.”

Tony had beamed at him, visibly happy even in the dim lighting, and Steve had taken the Almond Joy bar in a little bit of a daze. His gaze was still fixed on Tony, drinking in the sight of that gorgeous smile as his mind spun in circles at the realization that he was here,  _ on a date with Tony_. Steve was so happy, he hardly even noticed the awful taste of Almond Joy in his mouth. 

That was the first time. 

He barely noticed the taste of Almond Joy that first time, but it was hard to ignore the awful combination of milk chocolate, coconut and almond when he was eating a bar of it what seemed like everyday. Tony stocked the cupboards at the tower with Almond Joy. He brought Almond Joy as a post-or-during-mission snack for Steve. Sometimes, he brought it along to dates in case Steve got peckish during their catch-Steve-up-to-Modern-America outings or on a sightseeing trip. 

Steve hated Almond Joy even before Tony ever handed him one. He wasn’t familiar with all the chocolate bars and candies now available to the general population, but he was familiar with Almond Joy. Sam had handed him one before, and said he would like it since it was similar to the Mounds bar which Steve seemed to love. Steve did love the Mounds bar and so did most soldiers who served during the war. It had been a treat in their rations. 

But Almond Joy was not Mounds. Almond Joy was a travesty. Why take a perfectly good Mounds bar and add an almond to it? There was nothing wrong with the Mounds bar as it was. Dark chocolate and coconut came together perfectly, producing a chocolatey textured sweetness. 

What was the point of adding almonds? Why ruin something that already worked with  _ almonds_?

Sure, there was only one almond in an Almond Joy, but that was one too many. Even when Steve took a bite without the almond, he knew the almond was coming; it was inevitable. And it wasn’t like he could spit out the almond, not when Tony was right there, usually the one who had just handed him the candy bar.

The long and short of it was that Steve hated almonds. Hated them quite a lot. He had been mildly allergic to almonds before the superserum had cured him of it so the taste of almonds would always subconsciously remind him of an itchiness in his throat that he couldn’t reach and rashes across his stomach and back. The taste and hardness of almonds weren’t appealing either, but the discomfort he kept bracing for didn’t help. 

Despite his hate for the candy, Steve had been so desperate for everything to go well that he hadn’t wanted to turn down Tony who had seemed so nervous, hadn’t wanted to say, “Sorry, Tony, you made the wrong choice. You might love Almond Joy, but I bitterly hate it.”

So he had thoughtlessly said he loved the stupid candy bar and now it was everywhere. He couldn’t seem to escape it. He had choked down so much of the disgusting candy that he thought the awful chocolate-coconut-almonds combination would haunt him in his sleep too. 

But he couldn’t say no. He didn’t know how to tell Tony that he hated the damn things now. It was just too late. He had eaten too many of the terrible bars to explain to Tony how he had been lying all this while. He could just see it, how Tony would frown, would look so disappointed, maybe even make a scathing comment about Captain America turning out to be a liar, and then he would break up with Steve and date one of the beautiful and elegant people who hung on Tony’s every word at all the galas they went to. 

Yeah. 

Okay.

Steve might be overthinking this a little. Just a little. 

Still. He didn’t want to upset Tony over such a stupid thing. It was just candy! He should be able to just swallow it down and not make a mountain out of a molehill.

Except it was almost a month now after their first date and it felt like it was getting harder and harder to choke down the damn almonds. But he kept on at it, because when Tony smiled at him, when those smiling lines flashed in Steve’s direction, every bit of disgusting almond scraping over his palate and grinding down his throat felt worth it. 

For Tony’s sake, for their relationship, he could do it. He could take it. No matter how much he hated them, no matter how much it felt like torture in his mouth, he would keep eating Almond Joys. It was the only way.

# # # # # #

Steve walked into the common area and immediately found a smile forming on his lips at the sight of Tony puttering around in the shared kitchen. It was rare to see Tony here at this hour of the day since he was usually holed up in his workshop, ‘sciencing’ through the afternoon.

“Hey, Tony,” Steve said, making a beeline from the elevator to the kitchen. 

Tony looked up and smiled. “Hey, Americalicious.” 

Steve rolled his eyes at that, which only made Tony laugh. 

When Steve was within arm’s reach, Tony leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Steve’s cheek. That wasn’t enough in Steve’s opinion, so he turned his head and brushed his lips against Tony’s. Tony hummed happily at that, the little sound so cute that Steve’s toes curled in his shoes. He loved how Tony was so expressive in his happiness, how he took joy in such simple gestures. 

“Hey,” Steve said again, leaning his forehead against Tony’s. 

Laughing a little, Tony cupped Steve’s cheek and traced his cheekbone with a thumb. “You said that already.”

“It bears repeating when I get such a response for it.”

Tony’s eyes were warm with happiness as he pressed another kiss to Steve’s lips before drawing back. “Look what I made for you,” Tony said, pulling away and picking up a large plate from the kitchen counter. “I did it in my own kitchen, just in case it was a disaster, but it turned out fine. I brought them all down since there’s so many, I thought we could share it with everyone.”

With trepidation, Steve looked down at the proffered plate. Arranged neatly in a little sunray pattern, radiating out from the middle, were little bars covered in glossy chocolate. Steve couldn’t be sure, because it could be anything hidden under that chocolate coating. They could be homemade chocolate and coconut bars, which would be perfectly delicious. There could be anything at all beneath the deceptive chocolate covers. 

But he knew. 

And Tony confirmed it with a cheerful comment, “I’m not great at cooking or baking but these don’t even need any of that. Turns out homemade Almond Joys were really easy to make and I even put in more almonds. It seems a bit stingy to have only one almond in an Almond Joy. Pepper tried a bar already and said it’s pretty good, and she has good taste.”

Right. Homemade Almond Joys.  _ With more almonds_. Bad enough that they came manufactured from some chocolate-making factory, now Tony was spending time making these little monstrosities by hand while adding more almonds to it. 

How had Steve ended up here? How could he keep lying about this?

But how could he stop? No matter how much he hated Almond Joys, especially Almond Joys  _ with extra almonds_, he couldn’t turn down homemade candy from Tony, especially not when Tony had confirmed that he didn’t do this very often and didn’t think he was very good at it. Tony had made an extra effort for Steve. It would be impossible for Steve to just throw this plate of almond horrors back in Tony’s face after Tony had taken time out from his workshop schedule to make them just for Steve. 

No matter how much Steve hated the Almond Joys...he was going to eat them. He had to. 

He was doing this for Tony. 

Steve pasted a smile onto his face and picked up one of the Almond Joys, the smallest he could find at a glance, although they were all pretty even in size. Tony watched with an anticipatory smile as Steve gritted his teeth, steeled himself for the terrible taste, and took a bite. 

There it was. 

Sweet chocolate and fresh coconut...ruined by hard disgusting almonds. And there were definitely more almonds in this bar than in regular Almond Joys, there had to be at least two per bite. Steve chewed, trying to smile at the same time, trying not to spit out the gritty mess in his mouth. Tony frowned, and Steve felt a spike of panic, wondering if maybe his facade of pleasure at offences to the tastebuds was crumbling after the many days he had to force himself to eat these. Maybe his ability to fake his fondness for the so-called treats was deteriorating with every terrible bite he took. 

The elevator doors opened and Steve felt relieved when he heard Sam’s voice. It was a timely distraction.

“I’m baaack,” Sam called out. “Anyone miss me?”

Sam had been on a month long vacation with family and today was his first day back at the Avengers tower. He threw his duffel bag onto the couch as he walked to the kitchen. 

“Hi, Sam,” Tony greeted. “Want some Almond Joys? I made them, with extra almonds.”

Steve hadn’t managed to choke down the awful mouthful he had, so he just waved with one free hand at Sam in greeting. 

“Oh nice, nutty chocolate goodies,” Sam said cheerfully, swooping over to pick one up. 

Sam looked at Steve and then Steve realized, knew right away what was going to happen. Because Sam had been the one who handed Steve his first Almond Joy, Sam had witnessed Steve’s unadulterated disgust to the first bite he had taken. Steve knew what Sam was going to say but he couldn’t do anything to stop it, not with his mouth still gummed up with disgusting candy. 

Sam asked blithely, “I thought you hated Almond Joys, Steve? Are you seeing if your taste has changed? Because I don’t think anyone who loathes Almond Joys as much as you do are going to like them just because they’re homemade, buddy.”

Finally, Steve managed to swallow the gooey, chunky mess in his mouth, but it was too late. The secret was out. 

Tony stared at Steve, mouth dropped open. He closed his mouth, swallowed visibly and put down the plate of Almond Joys in a clumsy clatter. He finally managed to say in a faint voice, “But you said you loved Almond Joys.”

Sam spluttered and asked, “What,  _ really_?” And that reaction was so genuinely shocked that there was no way Steve could come up with a believable denial. He could see it in Tony’s eyes, the way he realized and finally believed what Sam said; Steve hated Almond Joys. All this while, and Steve hated the hell out of the candy.

“I’m...I’m so sorry, Tony,” Steve said in a rush. “I don’t know why I said I loved it on that first date. I was just… When you offered me that Almond Joy that first time, in that cinema, I wasn’t really thinking clearly when I said I loved it. I think I didn’t want to upset you, because you had an Almond Joy with you so you must like them, and you offered one to me. So I just— I just said I loved them. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to lie for so long.”

That explosion of words dropped like a lead balloon into the silence, with Tony and Sam both gaping at him. Sam recovered first and started edging away, still clutching his Almond Joy bar. “I’ll just...leave you guys to it,” Sam said in a rush before making for the elevator at top speed.

By the time the elevator doors shut behind Sam, Tony seemed less shocked, his eyes no longer so wide and mouth no longer hanging open as he stared at Steve. He blinked a few times, slowly, his thick lashes so dark against his skin that Steve wanted to touch them, except maybe he wouldn’t ever be allowed to do that again because he had made a complete mess of everything. 

Silently, Tony reached out with his free hand and pulled the Almond Joy bar out of Steve’s tight grip, the bar practically crushed between his fingers. He hadn’t even noticed he was still holding it, let alone that he had destroyed the candy, much like he had possibly destroyed their budding relationship. 

Tony put the mangled bar down onto the plate and stared for a moment at the melted chocolate and bits of coconut and almond left smeared on both their hands. He looked to the side, away from Steve, his shoulders slumped. Steve’s chest clenched at the idea that he had hurt Tony so much that Tony couldn’t even bear to look at him. 

“I can’t believe… I can’t believe you lied to me for so long,” Tony said, his voice quiet. 

Steve’s heart seized and he didn’t know what to say, had no words to defend himself. 

Tony’s face remained turned away, he even leaned against the counter with his chocolate smeared hand, like he was so tired and could barely stand. “After all this time, you ate all the Almond Joys. I even made you Almond Joys, and it was all just a lie. I don’t know what’s true anymore. Is anything in our relationship even real?” Tony asked, voice barely above a whisper, shoulders shaking, and Steve couldn’t bear it, couldn’t bear that he caused this pain. 

“Tony, Tony, I’m so sorry,” Steve rushed in, grasping Tony’s free hand with both of his own, even though he was just leaving more melted chocolate on Tony now. “It was all real, everything, of course it was. I love you so much, Tony. It was only the Almond Joys that were a lie. I didn’t know how to tell you the truth after that first time. I’m so sorry, please— ”

He stopped when he heard a muffled sound from Tony. He recognized that sound very well. That wasn’t...a sob. 

It was a giggle. 

Tony nearly collapsed onto the kitchen counter, laughing and giggling like a madman. He had to prop an elbow on the marble surface to hold himself up as he laughed and laughed, finally letting Steve see his pure amusement. 

“Only the Almond Joys...were a lie,” Tony spluttered out between giggles. 

Steve was so relieved, he couldn’t even be angry. He slumped back against the counter too and finally let his lungs fill with air. 

“You are an asshole,” he told Tony, grumbling. 

Tony let out an almost snorting laugh, which damnit, Steve must really be a goner to find that adorable too. Finally, Tony straightened and looked at Steve with a grin, wiping tears from the corner of his eyes. “And you’re a dumbass. A lying dumbass at that.”

Steve felt a twinge of guilt and looked down at his one hand covered in chocolate, evidence of his lying ways. Then Tony’s hand came into view and picked up his messy fingers, wiping away the mess with a kitchen towel before tossing it into the sink. 

“I am really sorry, Tony,” Steve said, even though he knew Tony had already forgiven him. “I shouldn’t have kept up the charade for so long.”

“Okay, first, you’re going to stop apologizing. You messed up, but mostly, in a really silly way. It’s not the end of the world or something you need to keep apologizing for,” Tony said firmly.

Steve opened his mouth, and then shut it again at a pointed look from Tony. 

Tony shook his head, still holding Steve’s hand in his own. “You’ve really worked yourself up over this, huh?”

“...maybe a little?” Steve admitted.

“Maybe a lot,” Tony said in a wry tone. “It’s a new relationship and before that, our friendship has been, uh, rocky at times. So I get it. But I don’t want you to hide something because you’re worried it’ll hurt my feelings. And I’m going to try my best to do the same.”

Steve curled his fingers so he was holding Tony’s hand in return. “Sounds like a good plan.”

Tony told him loftily, “I have some of those on occasion.”

“What’s the second part?” Steve asked, curious.

“Oh right. Secondly, you’ll stop eating Almond Joys and I’ll stop giving you Almond Joys, bought or homemade. Which I have to admit is a bit of a relief.”

“A relief?” Steve asked, slightly confused. 

Now Tony looked a little sheepish. “Yeah… I mean, I know you were worried that I loved Almond Joys and you didn’t want to hurt my feelings by turning one down but I don’t actually like them either.”

Steve gaped at him before managing to ask in sheer surprise, “But you had one in your bag. You offered one up right away…”

“I had maybe two dozen different candy bars in my bag, which I bought when I went out to get popcorn,” Tony admitted with an embarrassed wince. “I wasn’t sure what you liked, so I just got one of everything.”

All this time… all this headache and worrying over Almond Joys and Tony didn’t even like them? It was Steve’s turn to laugh, a deep belly-aching laugh as he threw his head back. By the time he settled down to light chuckling, Tony had pushed himself under Steve’s arm, cuddling close. 

“I guess you never did say that you like them,” Steve said, shaking his head. “I just assumed.”

“I don’t like the coconut. The palladium in my old arc reactors made me taste coconut on my tongue even when I wasn’t eating anything. After the palladium poisoning, I find coconut overpowering sometimes. Not all food with coconut, but sometimes, it’s too much,” Tony explained, stroking lightly over Steve’s side. “And that’s why I never ate any of the Almond Joys that I got you. I didn’t even taste the ones I made today, I just got Pepper to taste them for me.”

Steve pulled him closer with an arm around his shoulders and said, “I used to be a little allergic to almonds as a kid so I don’t associate almonds with good things. And I like Mounds so Almond Joys seem like a mockery of Mounds.”

Tony curled an arm around Steve’s waist and groaned. “And I even put more almonds in this homemade batch, oh my god. Steve, please don’t ever force yourself to do something you don’t like for my sake.”

“I told myself that as long as it made you happy, then it didn’t matter that I didn’t really like the taste of it because I was happy in the long run.”

“You doing or eating something you like is what makes me happy,” Tony said with a sigh of exasperation. “So please don’t force yourself to do something like that again.”

Steve nodded, cheek brushing against Tony’s hair. He turned and pressed a kiss to the side of Tony’s head, breathing in his familiar metallic scent and feeling warmed by the feel of Tony leaning against him.

“You know, something I like doing is cuddling on the couch,” Steve offered, a little hopeful. 

Tony tightened his hold on Steve’s waist, turning up to look at Steve with a fond smile. “Yeah, I think we can swing that.”

The End

**Author's Note:**

> The author has no opinion on Almond Joys, having not eaten any before. :) Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> This was written in a furious burst of inspiration over two hours. I blame willidothefandango, who left [this Reddit post as a prompt.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/d28lfe/girlfriend_28f_buys_me_an_almond_joy_on_every/) Fan is the prompt demon, all hail Fan!
> 
> Apologies for the lack of beta reading on this fic, it felt too cracky to inflict on a beta reader.
> 
> If you liked the story, you can also reblog it [here](https://awesomelifechoices.tumblr.com/post/188208790028/no-joy-only-almonds)


End file.
